Simple models of the world
To not be overwhelmed, we simplify the world into models. We have evolved perceptual systems that only recognize useful things and their nemeses, see tools or obstacles, not objects or things.
→ Sometimes this illusion breaks down to reveal the complex world that was always there - the chaos beneath our thin surfaces of security.
Emotions
Emotions must be carefully judged in context and balanced against each other, but they keep us alive and thriving. They come come in two variants:
- Satisfaction (or satiation) tells us that what we did was good. Negative: pain hurts us, so we don’t repeat actions that produce damage, social isolation
- Hope (incentive reward) tells us that something pleasurable is on the way. Negative: anxiety makes us stay away from hurtful people and bad places to avoid pain.
The past
The past appears fixed, but it’s not—not in an important psychological sense. The past is extensive and the way we organize it can be subject to drastic revision. When we are remembering the past, we keep some parts and forget others, in seemingly arbitrary ways.
Memory is not a description of the objective past. Memory is a tool, whose purpose is not “to remember the past.” It’s to stop the same damn thing from happening over and over.
“This is what happened. This is why. This is what I have to do to avoid such things from now on.” That’s a successful memory. That’s the purpose of memory.
Outsourcing Sanity
People organize their brains with conversation. It takes a village to organize a mind. Most of what we consider healthy mental function is the result of our ability to use the reactions of others to keep our complex selves functional. This is why the main responsibility of parents is to render their children socially acceptable.
Language organizes soul and world
Precision specifies. When something terrible happens, it is precision that separates the unique terrible thing that has actually happened from all the other, equally terrible things that might have happened - but didn’t. Be careful with what you tell yourself and others about what you have done, what you are doing, and where you are going. Search for the correct words.
→ Say what you mean, so that you can find out what you mean. Act what you say, so you can find out what happens. Then pay attention. Note your errors. Articulate them. Strive to correct them. That is how you discover the meaning of life and protect yourself from the tragedy of life.
You need to think
When people think, they simulate the world, and plan how to act in it.
→ True thinking is rare. Thinking is listening to yourself, an internal dialogue between two or more different views of the world. To think, you have to be at least two people at the same time, and to let those people disagree. It is emotionally painful, as well as physiologically demanding.
→ What to do if being two people at once is too hard? Talk. A listener, who will be both collaborator and opponent. They test your talking (and your thinking) without having to say anything. They represent common humanity, the crowd. The crowd is not always right, but it is commonly right. If you say something that takes everyone aback, you should reconsider what you said. And you should do what other people do, unless you have a very good reason not to.
Listening
A good therapist will tell you the truth about what they think. (That is not the same thing as telling you that what he thinks is the truth.) That’s key to the psychotherapeutic process: two people tell each other the truth—and both listen.
→ Carl Rogers wrote, “The great majority of us cannot listen; we find ourselves compelled to evaluate, because listening is too dangerous. It requires courage, and we do not always have it.”
His suggestion for disputes: “Each person can speak up for himself only after he has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately, and to that speaker’s satisfaction.”
→ If you listen, instead, without premature judgment, people will generally tell you everything they are thinking—and with very little deceit. People will tell you the most amazing, absurd, interesting things. Very few of your conversations will be boring. (You can in fact tell whether or not you are actually listening in this manner. If the conversation is boring, you probably aren’t.)
Categorizing conversation
Not all talking is thinking. Some conversations are to establish status, one-upping. Lectures are a kind of conversation: the lecturer tells a story to convey facts but also why they are relevant.
→ The highest form of thought is a conversation of mutual exploration - active philosophy. It is almost as if the desire for truth is the one speaking. We find these engaging, vital, meaningful, because it is a signal from the deep, ancient parts of our Being. Your wisdom is not knowledge you already have, but the continual search for knowledge, which is the highest form of wisdom.